I would go to a strip club

but it's far too late. I'm in scenic Davenport, IA, sleeping in a Super 8. Tomorrow I get to drive for 14 hours through such scenic locations as

• Iowa
• Nebraska

Woo boy, I can hardly wait.

Just for the hell of it, I started looking up how much local whores cost (craigslist). Far too expensive.

So I started browsing local gentleman's clubs. Came upon this classy establishment. I'd really like to go, but alas, I am quite sleepy. I'm going to try to hit it on the way back. Actually, my dream is to go to a strip club whose (THE MERRIAM-WEBSTER USAGE PANEL SAYS THIS IS OK) sign I can see from the highway. I can't wait to stroll in and not drink or tip. They'll adore me.